Web of Dreams And Despair
by DamselOfWords
Summary: A heart warming romance. A desperate wish. A story of three people,their joy and sorrows. Tessa and Will, do they belong together...or not?
1. Chapter 1

Web of Dreams and Despair

I watch the bleak gray winter sky turn dark, blue-black clouds starkly standing out like bruises. I suddenly feel something icy fall on my cheek and realize with mild surprise that it has begun to snow. The pearly snowflakes like scattered diamonds adorn the fresh ground. Fog like some sort of ghost has settled around the graveyard. It is nearly time to leave but my feet are frozen to the ground and my eyes gray and cold like the gravestone feel wet. Agony and fear crawls back into my mind like venomous snakes at the thought of going back to the institute. I resist the small part of me that craves to set eyes on him again, to beg him to forgive me though I know only too well that it would all be a vain attempt. Helplessly I travel back in time, like I have often these past months, reliving those wonderful and joyous days when my only love belonged to me.

"He has changed Tessa" Charlotte use to say, "and it is all thanks to you".

That was right, ever since he had opened up and invited me in with open arms, those deep and intense bottle blue eyes blissful, I felt as a part of him. Little did I realize I would be severed from him in the most vicious manner. Saying we were happy was not near close to the kind of joy we felt when we were together. A small laugh escapes my throat as I remember his slyness. He would suddenly from behind a pillar, pull me in for a wanton kiss taking me completely by surprise. Caressing my neck when Charlotte had her back to me while complaining about Henry's useless devices; pressing bracelets of flowers into my hand while Jessamine ranted on about the bland food, and those childish games of hide and seek in the garden, now all of it seems so far away almost like a dream that was never reality.

"Tess" he used to say while carelessly smoothing my hair "tell me something. Read to me, I want to listen to your voice."

He would pull me close to his chest and envelope his strong arms around me as I recited some old sonnet or indulged him with stories of my life back in New York. He had the rude habit of interrupting me and he enjoyed it tremendously knowing well how it got on my nerves. We spent most of our time in the library or on the roof where no one would bother us. Other times he would lie down with his hands behind his head while I knelt beside him listening to his plans for our future together. I was young then, so very young and naïve, only a sixteen year old girl whose life had been altered by one boy. It was as if everything I had learnt, done and experienced was merely preparation for him, to be right for him.

As time passed, I even began to be glad for who I was. The fact that I was some devilish, sterile warlock with no real identity had been replaced by a woman who was cherished so very much. I had known it, had an inkling at the very least that all this happiness would end, as though something so wonderful was only meant to be felt for a short while and then snatched away mercilessly, abandoning me feeling empty and hollow like a carcass.

"How is it my fault?" I scream to myself. I hadn't been aware of what I was doing much like a blind man isn't aware of what he is seeing. I had been under some sort of ugly spell when Mortmain and I had exchanged improper intimacies. My stomach clenches and I avert my eyes from the tiny grave. Why would I have wanted to sleep with a man of such a twisted nature and had caused me so much misery. Yet, guilt pierced my cold heart. I shut my eyes and ears trying to block out the terrible things echoing in my ears that Will had shouted when he had found out. His cruel words had been like burning flames rotting me from the inside.

It is getting colder now but I welcome the weather. For the past few months I have come here everyday sitting by my dead baby's grave and staring up at the unyielding sky trying not to cry. I sorrowfully think about my premature dead baby, the result of that horrible experience that snatched away from me the one man I would always love. For a moment I wonder if I could stop caring for him and begin a fresh life but I disperse the thought. I can't help loving him just like I can't help breathing. Taking a deep breath I stand up trying to gather my feelings and appear as indifferent as possible. It is later than usual today as I drag my resisting feet towards the institute.

I walk along the dark passageway when I hear giggling. It is Jessamine's husky voice. I begin to feel sweaty and sick and sag against the stone pillar for support. I do not wish to see what is happening but I stay. I feel like a glutton for punishment. Through the harsh light of the moon I see her by the window. Her long and luscious blonde hair is like halo around her head, her bright cornflower blue eyes glittering in glee and her long elegant fingers entwined with his. He is kissing her passionately and possessively as she smoothes back his raven black tempest of hair. He whispers something in her ear and she pouts angrily; soon enough they start arguing like they always had, only this time I notice the affection in both their tones. I stand there my eyes burning like hot coals had lodged in them. They are too entranced by each other to notice me. I turn and walk back out embracing the cold slap of wind. I am still young at seventeen though I have grown a lot older in my mind. I feel like a woman who has experienced enough of life and awaits her death. I turn back and take one last look at the large, looming institute, hoping that even if I had ceased to exist to him, the memories he has of me remain. I sense him watching me with sadness but I also know that he is not mine anymore. He doesn't care enough. After all, I am but only a devilish, sterile warlock who has no identity of her own.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey Guys, This is Will's pov!Enjoy :D_

Standing at the crossroads

I did not anticipate this: a feeling of agony so intense is ripping my heart as I see her walk away. I clench my teeth, and my palms turn to fists as rage slow like poison spreads through my body. _I have lost everything, everything_, once again but I cannot bring myself to go after her, call out to her, embrace and kiss her to erase in an instant that cold, icy carcass of the woman I once loved or still love…I'm not sure. She turns and looks right at me sending a jolt of electricity through my spine though I know she is too far away to see me. My throat feels taut like something is stuck there so I swallow hard. Without warning, all of a sudden, anger so vicious and venomous in nature grips me and I drive my fist through the window in front. Looking at the shattered glass I wonder if Charlotte would go mental again like she had done when I broke a vase before. My thoughts are cut short by a small gasp from Jessamine, only then do I notice the stark red, velvety liquid on my pale fist. I'm mesmerized for a moment watching with keen interest the razor edged shard of glass lodged in my knuckle, blood like water flowing over it. I blink and look out in to the frosty and cloudless white night, and realize with mild shock that she's gone. I turn away and take quick steps towards the endless staircase, making my way with haste. Reaching the bottom I run outside and discover the spot next to the frozen fountain where she was standing a few minutes earlier now empty, only cotton balls of snow raining down slow and steady. A sick feeling of nausea crawls to my mind as I'm filled with fear for her. I run across the snow, running fast to that cemetery where I know she goes everyday.

I stop in front of the large cold and corroded iron gates willing my restless heart to settle. As the large gates open with a loud squeak I wonder what I would say to her but the aching need to see her is too strong. Cruel things like usual might escape my mouth but still I walk on.

Raven's caw loudly, their ugly high-pitched screeches threatening to wake the dead. The tombstones take on a forbidden look as fog settles around the vast place. Ice like mirror shatters under my feet as I walk stiffly to near the bench she usually sits, innocent to the fact I'm near her, watching her. It is as if this sorrowful place had become her safe haven, her sanctuary.

I tell my self that this time I wouldn't hurt her, when a huge wave of disappointment engulfs me as I see the bench by the tiny grave empty. I simply stand there, my feet like ice frozen to the ground as I stare at nothing. I know how difficult it was for her to loose that child; a child I detested, still do. Trying again in vain to reason with myself I repeat in my head that she was not at fault, never at fault in everything terrible that had happened to her.

As I close my eyes, an image of her so vivid forms that I'm convinced I'm there in that time again. Her strawberry scented copper brown hair had swayed across my face as she moved one arm up to her hat to keep the wind from blowing it away. I had stood next to her as she lifted up her dress to the ankle and hesitantly dipped her foot in to the shallow of the river. "Oh!It is cold, the water is freezing Will." "It _is_ winter" I had said wondering with affection why she had such strange wishes; wanting a vista of the river because in her opinion ice floating on the frosty waters was enjoyable to watch. At that time I could only think how impure and filthy the river water was. "I think of myself as that floating ice Will" she had said" I am floating through this river of life very peacefully, blissful as I could ever be, because you are with me. Only I have this terrible, so very terrible fear that something would melt it and I would be thrust in to the depths of cold despair not knowing how to surface." Her gloved hand around mine was gripped tight as she turned to face me, her ash colored eyes clouded with anxiety looking at mine. I had smiled then and traced her red lips and whispered "I would never let your bliss melt Tess much less allow you to drown in the depths of despair, so never have such fears." She had smiled at me then tears forming in her eyes as our lips locked fervently. "Oh Will, How much I love you. It surprises me sometimes."

I am standing here now, a warm glow filling my heart in this icy night, my eyes closed, a small smile on my lips as I relish those precious words.

"Will, we should leave now."

The low husky voice falls on my ear like a cruel stab, evaporating quickly my seldom moment of joy. I open my eyes, disdain evident as I glare at the girl standing before me. Her form slaps back on me the reality that is now. I feel revolt and disgust with myself as I realize with a mild sense of horror that it was me who had thrust Tessa in to never-ending anguish, extinguished the spirit in her. I struggle to maintain my indifferent expression not wanting this girl before me to see me exposed. As though reading my mind she turns away staring ahead of her at a tombstone, her own violet- sapphire eyes painful as though it is her who is being tortured. Like a distant memory I remember kissing her, just some half hour ago by the window. "Can't you ever keep your nose out of other people's affairs? Why did you follow me?" I ask barely able to control the snare in my voice. "I just wanted to see where you were going" she replies in a composed manner still staring at the tombstone.

I stand there for a moment, then turn to walk back. I hear Jessamine following me quietly, her grey cape trailing behind her, reminding me of a monk. I walk slowly planning on staying out awhile when I sense movement behind me stop. I continue walking.

The river is like a turned mirror not reflecting the moon or me. It is frozen and I have the urge to walk across it hoping it would take me away, away from here. As I stand in the exact place Tessa stood the last time we were here, her distraught and grief torn face comes to my mind. I think of how much effort she had to muster to tell me through racking sobs of what had happened to her. I can't recall how I had felt then, only the overwhelming millstone of guilt has since then grown heavier at the thought of not having protected her properly. Every time I had laid eyes on her the horrifying images of her and that man took form in my head and I recoiled feeling sick and hurt.

I decide to sit by the river all sorts of thoughts running through my head when I notice in some places the ice had thawed. Staring at the shining piece of solid, I notice it melting. Getting up quickly I walk across the frozen part of the river towards the melting ice, only when I dive into the freezing water it has gone, melted and disappeared. I get out barely feeling when I notice it is dawn. Another day, a day without Tessa, a dark day. Perhaps the darkest. Walking towards the institute I hope and pray to the silent angel that Tessa would be there, she would run up to embrace me carrying with her the scent of violets and this time I would receive her with love and inhale deeply, once more her strawberry scented hair. Only I know too well that this wouldn't happen. It is strange, I think how this second time I go to the institute after loosing everything, everything all over again.


	3. Chapter 3

_This is from Jessamine's pov, enjoy: D_

_To The Stars…_

Ever since I can remember I have always been lonely. I share my deepest secrets with the stars above hoping Momma and Papa would hear them. Momma would be sad right now if she were here, sad to see her daughter as a shadowhunter; the very thing my parents protected me fervently from. Until sometime ago I had a plan, to leave this life behind and escape forever from the clutches of this shadow world. I imagined marrying a rich mundane, going away to live in a manor and be the lady I am born to be. I look at myself in the mirror now and smooth the golden curl that tumbles onto my neck. I am beautiful, I know it yet I am sad. All my hopes to run away and be free have shattered. "Who is at fault?" I ask myself and the reply stands in the image of my own reflection. I ruined my own destiny. I have crushed any hope of a wonderful future I had always longed for the moment I let him enter my heart. "_Will" _I whisper, relishing every syllable of the name. I gingerly feel my lips and my cheeks flush at the memory of my very first kiss. A tingling in my spine along with my bated breath makes me shy away from my own reflection. I walk towards my vanity table as I notice the ivory carved cameo pin and my stomach clenches in guilt. Tessa had given me that pin as a gift. I swallow hard as I remember watching her walk away, her shoulders almost hunched as though she were carrying the weight of the world. I drop down to my bed and clench the silk covers in my hand. _It doesn't matter. I care about him too, maybe even more than her._ I get up and walk out of my room, the silence suddenly becoming unbearable. It is nearly dawn, few hours since I had left Will to roam around on his own. I know that he had wanted to be left alone but I cannot bear it anymore_. What if he doesn't come back?_ The thought makes my blood run cold and I hurry outside the institute. I remember the severe scorn in his voice when he had spoken to me in the graveyard and my eyes feel wet. I blink to keep the salty drops from escaping. I pull my cape closer around me as strong gusts of wind threaten to snap the squeaking branches.

Sighing loudly as I walk, I let out more of the breath that escapes me resembling smoke. I am so enthralled by the white vapor flowing out of my mouth every time I breathe that I fail to notice the man until he is right in front of me blocking my way.

"Pardon me, sir, I hadn't seen you" I say, embarrassed at my lack of attention and annoyed that he hadn't bothered to be observant either.

"Even someone like you knows how to act polite"

"Will!" I almost gasp.

His state is shocking to see. He is saturated in water and his lips are blue from the cold. His voice affected by the chilly weather had sounded broken when he spoke. I narrow my eyes in anger about to chide him for his lack of care, when he moves aside and continues walking. I turn and follow after him in to the institute.

"Will, please wait" I call after him as he makes his way up to the attic. Upon arriving to the dark and cold space he sits down leaning his back against a wall. "You are behaving in a rather suspicious manner, following me around like a dog, Jess. You were outside my room earlier, I wonder if you were stealing something" he says his mocking tone severe as it had been when at the graveyard. I purse my lips hoping that my anger wouldn't get the better of me. Removing my cape I drop it over him along with a warning that he would be very ill if he didn't get himself warm. He pulls the cape from his face and looks up at me.

His eyes look so intense and anguished that I feel the need to look away. I fix my eyes to the empty wall hoping in vain that my face wouldn't betray my feelings. The tears flow

Openly this time and I do not attempt to hide them. All my jealousy, hatred, pain and sadness dissolve in these silent tears. He doesn't say anything and I did not expect him to. I kneel down in front of him and smooth back the hair that falls on his forehead. I flinch at the feel of his icy skin but do not move my hand away. He stares at me his eyes devoid of any expression as though life has left him. I run my hands affectionately over his cheek and ever so gently put my lips on to his. He still stays silent. I know well that he is aware of my feelings, has always been. I had always argued with him only for his attention so he would be aware of my existence. When Tessa had come along, I had noticed it, his feelings for her from the very first day. The way he had looked at her when I had first met her at dinner, so affectionate, almost delighted as though she had sparked in him something that had extinguished a long time ago. "Will", I whisper to him and he closes his eyes. I begin to say something when he cuts me short "I love Tessa, Jessamine" he says. A sudden invisible blow falls on me and the words die on my lips. I stay silent for what feels like an eternity and without warning an image falls to my mind of the very first time I had seen Will.

_His bronze skin had looked sweaty as though he had been running for a while and his tempest of dark hair blew in the wind. Even then as a little boy he carried the same intensity and stubbornness in those bottle blue eyes. His fists were clenched and he had been staring in to the distance. I was watching from the window but he hadn't seen me, hadn't seen how captivated I had been by him._

I close my eyes and from somewhere deep courage fills me. "_My heart only desires you, Will. I tried to stop but I can't, so forgive me…I still love you knowing you desire another woman so…please all I ask is to be near you" _My words trail off in a breath that I hadn't realized I was holding. I wait, my heart thumping so hard that I am sure he can hear it.

He blinks and looks away. "So you couldn't keep away from me after all" he says with no touch of his usual mocking tone.

I feel his hands tighten around mine; his head falls on my shoulder. He stays there awhile and just when I think he is about to push me away I feel a tender kiss on my neck. I suck my breath in as his hand caresses my collarbone. "Will", I murmur as I feel my bodice getting loose. A sleeve falls below my shoulder and his icy lips touch my neck.

It is a beautiful night today. Many stars are scattered across the velvet sky. I watch Will as he speaks to Jem. I turn to walk back to my room and notice Will glance at me. I smile at him before I leave. Presently I stand in my balcony and looking up, I see a falling star. I quickly close my eyes and with my entire heart make my first and only wish. As I open my eyes I hope that tomorrow is a beautiful day.


End file.
